Commit to Being the Source of Your Approval, Control, and Security | Committments of Conscious Leadership #11

Continuing on the path to becoming a conscious leader, the Conscious Leadership Group (CLG) addresses where people source approval, control and security. They state that all “wants”, regardless of their size, are actually just 3 core wants: approval, control and security.

The desire for security comes from the deepest want for physical survival and approval also comes from the desire to survive – if they approve of me they won’t kill me. The third core want of control comes from the belief that if you can’t get security through approval, you’ll get it through control.

The CLG shares that all of our dreams challenges, desires, complaints, goals, etc. are simply “wants” and people want a great deal! So start by realizing that all of these incongruent wants come from wanting security, approval and control.

If you don’t believe you have security you will always be looking for it “out there” and your decisions and actions will reflect that.

If you don’t believe you have approval then you will always be seeking approval from others and your actions will focus on that.

And finally if you believe you lack control then you will always be seeking to control others, circumstances and yourself.

This “wanting” leads to multiple beliefs and behaviors that are the opposite of conscious leadership and comes from a belief in lack. As they state “I don’t have it within me and something or someone needs to give it to me. “Out-there-ness” leads to “if-only-ness” which is reflective of unconscious leaders.

They quote Hale Dwoskin, the teacher of the Sedona Method, a simple technique for dealing with a belief in lack. Hale states “You cannot go anywhere to get what you already have and you cannot do anything to become what you already are.” Look within.

So what about happiness? As they share, many people think their core want is happiness, but they point out that happiness for most people is a result of feeling that they have security, approval and control, so they recommend looking under the desire for happiness and seeing which of the 3 core wants is missing.

The challenge is not in having security, approval and control but believing that they are missing, which causes people to look for them “out there” rather than inside.

Leaders who at any moment operate from the belief that they lack something and need to get it from someone or something “out there” move through the world from fear whereas leaders who believe they are whole and do not feel that lack, move in the world from love and creativity. That does not mean you can avoid pain. As shared by the CLG, pain in life is not optional but suffering is. As long as you keep seeking and wanting what you believe you don’t have, you suffer. When you source approval, control and security from the inside, you can move through the challenges of life peacefully and with joy and love.

Previous Iterations of Commitments of Conscious Leadership

Exploring the Opposite

Are You Committed to Curiosity?

Sustaining Leadership Success Through Emotional Intelligence

Management Skills vs Leadership Skills

Candid Communication Leads to Successful Teams

The Lure of Gossip

Are You Really Practicing Integrity?

Learning to Give and Accept Appreciation

Are You Excelling in Your Zone of Genius?

Are You Living a Life of Play and Rest?

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Drue Lawlor

Director of Business Transformation Coaching Drue leads our coaching and consulting. As a NCIDQ certified designer she and Gail co-developed the 12-month Strategic Business Transformation Group Coaching. The program leads the way in teaching designers how to build or redesign their businesses for profit and success. Outside of Gail Doby Coaching and Consulting she is the co-founder of Boomers with a Plan B. She is driven to help clients create a safer and healthier homes. You’ll find her in Senior Magazine and a contributor to the following books: Design for Aging: Post Occupancy Evaluations and Interior Graphic Standards, second edition.
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